The Academic World...

It has been far too long..

So for the few months I have done nothing but try to survive the flanks of life and try to become something of myself. As of right now I have yet to come to a logical conclusion of myself and life. Many things have occurred over the past few months. As of recent I have become a student as The Akron University. I am well aware that I am probably over bearing myself. Going from a community campus to a massive big city campus in little to no time is quite a jump for me.

I also, not quite saying, may have a potential boyfriend. Met him at Colossalcon this summer. He listens to me and knows me so well already. We shall see where it takes us.

I could go on this tangent about education and how teachers just don't get it but I should rest up for now. I hope that I can get back on this writing train.

End of school... Hoo Haw!

Ah at long last school is finally coming to an end. Finals are in a couple of days and new beginnings are coming on the horizons. I may be going to a bigger school. A hair is in order. Work is... well work and new goals have been made. I can only imagine what the summer brings. I have purchased a voice recorder as of late and wish to use it as my means of communication. I have been doing podcasts for a while. I don't believe I can use this portable voice recorder for my podcasts but it will help a little.

Go Here If Interested In My Podcasts: Muzey Podcasts

Also My Youtube Page: My Youtube Page

Thanks for reading thus far guys. I will post more as life unfolds.

My apologies..

For the lack of posts..

School has been hectic. With all the projects in and out of the classroom I can't help be feel over whelmed. There is so much I wish to tell...

In the mean time, I have started to pick up on podcasting my thoughts on society.. Check it out if you guys are interested.

http://muzeypodcasts.webs.com/

Give feedback if you like.

Thanks everyone and have a Happy Easter :)

Peace

Perception..

What a beautiful thing.


I have a "podcast" that describes this a bit better than I could ever explain. I want to type this out as best I can but I don't believe I will fully get it out. Instead, allow me a video instead.

Click Here For "Podcast Number 8"

Enjoy the podcast.

I have done 8 episodes of this broadcasting ideal and I quite enjoy it. I just wish I had better material to get the messages out in a more cleaner and professional manner.

What are your thoughts?

Schedules...

Not all of us need them...

There is this big thing in the Aspergers/Autism world, that 'aspies' and 'auties' have to have a schedule. I am under this impression of constant plans and god forbid if the sky turns pink. I don't have those really strong urges to keep a set in stone plan. However, my father thinks otherwise. Apparently, Aspergers means an extreme version of OCD. Really? I am not the slight bit organized. So he wants to enforce a schedule. Ok I have no problem with that. Schedule are good in life. It keeps you organized and well put together. But when your dad is trying to create that schedule for you.. thats just annoying. On top of that, he keeps changing it. Now how am I to get a schedule down to learn things if every other month you keep changing it? That does not help my case.

On top of that, when I had my first ever melt down, when I wasn't allowed to leave the house because the counter wasn't done correctly and missed a few spots and your girlfriend kept me from leaving the house basketball style, you stepped in and stopped the panic. She was coming closer to me and I said stop... She wouldn't. She looked so proud that she did that. You know what though dad? You couldn't calm me down. You just told me three simple words,"Shut up."

Fuck you dad. You apparently don't give a flying fuck about me if that's all you can say. Your girlfriend is allowed in my room.. with YOUR permission. That's bull.

I know he means well.. but he can't keep changing the schedule like this. It just makes it harder to learn a schedule. It's annoying.

Living the Double Life...

Child and adult all at once...

There come times in my life when I am supremely confused, some more than others. As of late, my father and I have not been on the best of terms. He has been acting very strange and it has begun to bother me to great strengths. For example, today after work, I went to my room to find that it has been cleaned. Granted I am thankful that he has cleaned it (he shouldn't really) but I started to have a bit of a panic because everything was moved around and my door was left open. I don't like my door open for privacy and safety reason of my fish. My cat knows that I have one and he could cause damage to the tank and I don't want her to get in and eat my fish or anything. On top of this, he has accumulated a bunch of things that was clutter and put it all in a box. Most people would find this pleasant but I on the other hand find it rude and not fair. Things like earache drops, jewelry and odd and ends I have made were some of the few. He even put my private stash of granola bars in the kitchen instead of my room where I had them. He also left a list I started of things that we needed for the house (Cat Food, Cat Litter and Trash Bags) in my room with the last item scratched off. I am not sure what I have done to piss him off so much but this is just the tip of the iceberg. A few weeks ago is when it got bad...

Now just as a simple piece of knowledge, I am not a messy person. I get clutter and the such but I do not make a horrendous mess when it comes down to it. I vacuum once a week, I clean up my mirror and take care of my laundry etc; primarily clutter. This the root of where my behalf began. Where it truly rooted I am unsure of but I know this does have something to do with it. Either way, I find myself threatened.

A few months ago I had left a bag of dedicates by the washer and dryer to be washed when it came closer to time. I was going to wear the items it contained for my past Ohayocon but alas... I couldn't find it. I had lost it and could not find the bag containing my black dress and a couple pieces I was going to potentially become a steampunk cosplay. It was a  shirt and pair of pants but still it was necessary that it be washed in a special cycle.

I had a fit because I couldn't find it. I asked my dad if he had seen it and said no. I went downstairs frustrated because I had not moved it (the basement is where the laundry room is). My dad followed me and we started to bicker. He got angry and told me that it should have been in my room. O.o what? Delicates that need washed do not belong in your bedroom, last I checked. After trying to tell him that very thing, the worst happened. 

He got and angry (please let me finish this statement before people panic) and picked up a pair of scissors by the blade and shook the handle at me telling me something along the lines of, "This is down here too!" It was like he was telling me that it shouldn't be down there either. I couldn't understand his reasoning. I know it doesn't sound threatening on paper but when that kind of thing occurs with your father yelling at you with a stiff and stern posture and face... you can't help but die inside.. I died inside that day.

I am calling out to everyone and anyone who live this. He has never laid a hand on me but that day. He scared me .. bad. All of this is accumulating because I am not reaching my fathers expectations. I want to live by my own accord but I am stuck in this childlike state because I have yet to move out and I am under his control. His house, his rules. That means if he wants the door open, he will do so. I have no items of mine. (ok I do but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way) 

Anyone please send advice. I am so frustrated. I vacuum twice a week first floor and my room, take care of the kitty litter and most of the time the food (sense the cat knocks over the bull I have been trying to switch over to just filling it myself instead of the container it is in), my own laundry, keeping my room up to date and clean up the kitchen floor and front room floor as well as keep up with the basics of the bathroom. But because my dad saw dust on the bathroom counter even though I just cleaned it (I must have missed a couple spots and got the main messes) and that I vacuum but apparently I move the vacuum too quick (apparently?) that I don't pick up dirt etc (Oh yes I do!) then he can come into my room and move stuff out of my room and leave my door open etc. I don't care anymore if people think I am a spoiled brat or what. I know what dad did with the scissors is not ok! If you want to teach me do it fucking right!

D'X 

any advice? 

Also I can't move out quite yet. At 24, I make minimum wage at 8 or so dollars an hour. Most apartments go for 400 at least a month and thats not including electric and water. I am in school and want to experiment with Podcasting and vlogging etc. Communication sounds like fun... 

The Hobbit: A Review (Spoilers)

I very little experience with the Lord of the Rings Series. I walked into this movie with little expectations only because I had no idea what I was putting my foot into. In the first few minutes I can already see relations of the original trilogy, literally. It literally shows the back story already of the elves and dwarves, something I should have expected but didn't. Quite honestly, I don't expect much when I watch a movie like this, or any for that matter. So going into this movie is a bit, blank. Though I don't expect much I still have hopes for it.

Watching up to the point of initial passing out of Bilbo Baggins has proven to be quite a hilarious movie indeed. The scene with them tossing the plates and singing was very fun to watch. By comparison to the LOTR Trilogy, this one is more laid back. There are a lot more happier moments to spare. Not sure If I approve this or not. Though that doesn't hold back the beautiful landscape, camera direction and acting. The music is fantastic as well.

I can't wait for the sequels! Though I am disappointed that it will be 3 movies, I still can't wait to see what Bilbo will get into. I find it interesting, with all the legendary lore. I don't have a lot to say right now so I will wait till all the movies are done first.



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Hello New Year..

Nice to Meet You...

So 2013 has finally arrived. School is about to take wing and Ohayocon (a japanese anime/gaming/culture convention) is upon us. I can hardly wait to see what the new year is about to bring. I can tell things are getting heated up at home already. Dad has yelled at me again. I am unsure if I am completely to blame of if dad is slowly falling apart. I am currently working on my story. I am going to be so busy.. But you know what.. I kind of need it... I need to keep busy. Other wise,





I get bored.

Christmas Cookies...

And A Really Bad Cough...

(Originally written on 12/22/2012)

I had promised my dads current girlfriend that I would bake cookies. Though I would have to do such fun affairs, I have as of late come down with a bad cough. I was unsure of the proper procedural actions in just simply saying no. I didn't know how to simply say it.

(Posted today)

The cough still continues. I feel like puking when I wake up. It doesn't hurt though. It's clear and doesn't burn. I think I just haven't vacuumed my room in a while. I will have to take note to do it soon. Anyways, I have come to realize the christmas spirit is lacking in my heart as of late. I don't want to become a Scrooge about it but it seems to lack when it comes to Christmas. I hate that too. I hate that it is Jesus's birthday and I feel all so grouchy and emotionless. I feel as though it is a bit difficult as to describe why. One of the theories is because I keep getting mixed responses when I receive and give gifts. Either I get an overly excited or and underly appreciated reaction. I have no idea as to why I keep getting this reaction.

I don't even know why I keep getting these reactions. I am unsure if I can't read what is happening or if that is truly the reaction. I am not sure how to describe it.

I also get the feeling that I receive childish gifts. Though that is up to debate. I see people get things like appliances and expensive electronics. What do I get? Candy and gloves and a bath wrap. Do not get me wrong. I am thankful and all of the gifts I got this year. I love receiving gifts from people. I am forever greatful. It's just that people perceive me as a child. I want to be treated like an adult. But I guess that wont happen for a while.

Any ways, I am not feeling well so I will head off. Not feeling well sure does stink on Christmas. I used to have that as a kid. Well anyways, Happy Holidays... Merry Christmas... Happy Yule.. No matter what you celebrate! Goodnight and may this year be very well this year.



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Just wanted to say thank you for 500 views! That is all. :)

Hear What I Mean..

Not What I Say....

There is one thing I keep constantly seeing in terms of those whom are on the Autistic Spectrum and that is that people don't understand/notice what they mean and/or do. I am having this issue right now as I have no idea how to put words together and say what is needed to be said. There is very little understood (for some reason) about this concept of us not knowing how to get our brain and our mouth to communicate together and process what is needed. I keep finding myself saying something and people getting upset because I didn't say what I thought I said or vise versa.

Course this is under the assumption that the person on the spectrum can speak but even in typed messages words can still get construed and it can be quite frustrating.

To the parents:
I know you have a hard time understanding your child or whom ever is on the spectrum. Here is my piece of advice for you.

1) Think Outside the Box- If the child is acting a certain way that does not seem logical then it could be for a very overly obvious reason. I hate to use the reason shootings in Conneticut but I will for the sake of example. If your child is annoyed by the topic it may be that they just want something else to be shown on tv cause they don't want to be hurt anymore by the tragedy. They want everyone to move on. This concept could not be simply thought of and has to be thought out side the box to understand. They may not be able to display the concept in words and the only way they were able to display the information was to get away from it. Or sometimes by acting very irrational such as laughing (maybe thinking of something in there head etc to help escape the thought) or other happy moods even when the subject is brought up.


2) Ask Them- I know this seems obvious but do not feel afraid to ask why they have reacted in such a way that you may not understand. If they get agitated, tell them that they do so to you (if this fact applies). If you ask them ahead of time if you can ask why they act a certain way this will help. Some will feel agitated and angry by it but tell you want to better understand and are curious and wish to understand there methods. This should help lighten the mood. If it still doesn't make sense use past experiences to help gather ideas and theories. Tell them to use words they normally don't use to help describe there emotions and why its happening.

3) Metaphoric or Literal- This is a bit of a tricky one. It's the same issue as describing the Bible. Do you take the passages literally or metaphorically? This will take practice to learn and figure out how there language works when it comes to explaining things. It is the hardest and one of the most customizable things you will have to take part in with your child in some cases. Learn what they mean by certain meanings... such as it hurts (emotionally) and it hurts (physically). This seems obvious to adults and those off the spectrum but for those on the spectrum it is very difficult to decipher sometimes. Mind you this piece of advice goes on further and wider spectrums. You may have to go back to advice 1 to figure this one out. Think outside the box.


For those one the spectrum:

1) Please Be Patient- I know you are agitated with the parent/guardian. You may not make sense to them but keep in mind they don't make sense to you either. Try multiple ways to explain to them why you act or say certain things. Take your time and don't rush. I know that is hard, it is for me. Any time there is confusion take a deep breath and try again with different words and concepts.

2) Be Open- Don't bottle yourself up. Let them know why you act the way you do. If you hold it in and not explain it will be harder when trying to explain things in the long run. This also applies to in general when it comes to admitting and talking about things.

3) See Advice 3 for Parents



I hope this helps in terms of understanding one another. Please leave a comment if you have any questions and I will try to give my input.



Until Next Time,
Peace!





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Chickens...

And Misunderstanding...

In the 3rd grade, we had these little baby chicky's that came into our class room. I can't quite remember why we had them or anything but I remember them quite well. I remember they liked to hop out of the kids hands for some odd reason. Maybe they wanted to take flight despite biological boundaries?

Any ways, I wanted to prevent them from falling out of my hands so I held them a certain way. I would clasp them so lightly but let my pointer finger and my ring finger split apart so the head could fit through. Unfortunately one of the students thought I was choking it but when I tried to explain (if memory serves right) some one took it away from me. Thanks f*cker....

Also I remember as a kid we had a small garden at around the same grade and I remember planting a small seed and ... stomping on it. At the time, I remember watching others plant and they would pat it down. Well, I thought that you had to do that I just decided to use my foot with light force. I do not mean that sarcastically.

I get misunderstood all the time. I have no idea how to correct it. It happens all the time. It is, however, a two way street. I misunderstand them just as much as they do me.

I feel so alone because of it and what I believe in gets construed all the time. My words get twisted and people don't listen to me and jump the gun about me.

Any of you ever have those?








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Your Still Here..

But still so far away...


I am not sure why but as of recent my dad has had this very distant feeling. I can see it in his eyes and the way he talks. I have no idea what is going on. I hope to God it is not because of me. In a way, it is very weird for it to be 'my fault'. But I don't deny that it may have something to do with it. He is happy all the time when Mary is around but for some reason when he is just doing his own thing I walk in and he is so depressed. He hasn't said it upright but when his voice trails off and doesn't have the upbeat tone in his voice, I begin to worry. I have finals and this is on my mind along with other things.

I keep feeling like he is drifting. I can't tell if he is sad or just tired. Is he even happy? Was he ever happy with his life to begin with. He seems so sad as of late. I am unsure as to why but it just seems out of place. He doesn't seem himself.

(btw and update on the internet thing.. I have noticed that is not letting up on the situation. I went last night to the bathroom and I left my door open. So what's the first thing my dad does? Goes into my room to see if I have my tower hooked up to the internet, sense he saw it on and everything... Really dad really?)

Any way I must close off so I may go to bed and attempt at kicking the finals in the ass.. Until next time..


Peace!




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Shattered Glass...

In the Middle of the Night...

So my semester has become a total failure. In so many ways, this semester not only academically but emotionally and mentally has put a strain on myself. Not only have I failed (pretty much) this semester, but I have now had two of my windows broken in my van. I couldn't come to any conclusion to what I possibly have done to deserve all of this. I had a IM chat with a friend of mine.. I spilled so much... no spelling corrections will be made.. just straight from the chat box.. the name is changed for protective purposes..

Mew-Z: hi there... :p

Unknown is now Online.

Unknown: hello

Mew-Z: how was your day?

Unknown: busy

Mew-Z: I feel ya.. I doubt my day is busier than yours but time is a crunchin..

Unknown is now Away.

Unknown is now Online.

Unknown: i was beeing sarcastic,i am having a star trek voyager marathon

Mew-Z: ah.. well either case.. at least its the weekend

Unknown: yes

Mew-Z: stil.. I don't feel safe at the house.. no idea what to do really..

Unknown is now Away.

Unknown is now Online.

Unknown: self fulling prophecy

Mew-Z: self fullfilling prophecy?

Unknown: stop playing dumb

Unknown: you know exaclty what im going to say

Mew-Z: O.o no I don't.. I thought of this though when you said that..

Mew-Z: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cr-SqRWImmI

Unknown: okay not donig that

Mew-Z: :P theme of my life

Unknown: you need to help yourself

Unknown: you not anyone else is in controlof your life

Unknown: change as you want to, not as anyones else says

Mew-Z: that undefined metamorphisis from the thing on a leash to the one leading the leashed...........

Unknown: stop the analysis on the topic

Unknown: start your life

Mew-Z: ........

Unknown: this is not some srt of therapy, and im not a docter

Mew-Z: Thats what I thought I was doing..

Mew-Z: of course not

Unknown: i cannot handle your every concern, but you know how

Mew-Z: I know you cant...

Unknown: everytime you face a decicions, you go to our friends for support

Unknown: you do not need that support

Unknown: you are a fully capable person

Unknown: you have the ability to have joy in your life

Unknown: you have the ability to make your way in life

Unknown: go ahead

Mew-Z: what?

Mew-Z: Am I supposed to say something..

Unknown: you wanted to

Unknown: now say it

Mew-Z: what can I possibly say at times that I have no words ... just black thoughts

Mew-Z: blank not black

Unknown: okay, one final thought for the night

Unknown: you are in a bad place

Unknown: with nowhere to run

Unknown: no hopes, no desires, and no direction

Unknown: are you gonna sit down and take it

Unknown: or are you gonna make ourself happy

Unknown: think too long about this, and you will have gained the direction that you need

Unknown: im sorry i cant help you anymore with your problems, cause you have already solved them yourself

Mew-Z: I know you cant  help me.. I keep going to people hoping for solutions.. hoping that a plan could emit from them instead of me

Unknown: there you go

Unknown: you are free

Mew-Z: I already knew this from the get go..

Unknown: so whats stopping you from being happy

Unknown: you dont have a computer for gaiming

Unknown: you car is being trashed

Unknown: and you are failing in your studies

Unknown: thats pisses you off? doenst it

Mew-Z: yes... of course.. well more or less just keeps pushing me down.

Unknown: god dammit

Unknown: so you are having a tought time at school

Unknown: study, and do well

Unknown: stop being pushed down, and show the people around you that you are not to be put down

Unknown: if i had done the same, i would not even be employed

Unknown: wake up, and do something,

Unknown: you dont need someone for support, especially when you have sole ability to change it

Unknown: you need proff

Unknown: here it is

Unknown: http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view;_ylt=A0PDoV5G7cNQ8HYAtXCJzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTBlMTQ4cGxyBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDaW1n?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3F_adv_prop%3Dimage%26va%3Dbasket%2Bfull%2Bof%2Bkittens%26fr%3Dyfp-t-701%26tab%3Dorganic%26ri%3D33&w=420&h=280&imgurl=www.mythreecats.com%2Fimages%2Fkittens_in_a_basket.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbogeysblogsphere.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F10%2F&size=28.3+KB&name=cat+egory+group+cats+grand+prize+%3Cb%3Ekittens+%3C%2Fb%3Ein+a+%3Cb%3Ebasket+%3C%2Fb%3Esubmitted+by+...&p=basket+full+of+kittens&oid=b58454991d5a7e779bf24f3468cdc75f&fr2=&fr=yfp-t-701&tt=cat%2Begory%2Bgroup%2Bcats%2Bgrand%2Bprize%2B%253Cb%253Ekittens%2B%253C%252Fb%253Ein%2Ba%2B%253Cb%253Ebasket%2B%253C%252Fb%253Esubmitted%2Bby%2B...&b=0&ni=264&no=33&ts=&tab=organic&sigr=11en84hm2&sigb=13lnth9qe&sigi=11i4jl13a&.crumb=rMlnG7F6kvj

Unknown: how does that make yuo feel?

Mew-Z: ....... sadly.... just pleasing to the eyes..

Mew-Z: I have felt like I am shut off at the time..

Unknown: then shuit down

Unknown: take it

Unknown: be the under achiever

Mew-Z: a reverse psychology

Mew-Z: its a bitch

Unknown: stop analysing the situation

Unknown: are you gonna take the shit from a friend

Unknown: or are you gonna do something about it

Mew-Z: I am not sure why but I just want to slap you.....................

Mew-Z: but that could be out of my own frustration and knowing that I was wrong

Unknown: the slap me

Mew-Z: I can't your in DC

Unknown: say it

Unknown: stop toying with me

Mew-Z: say ........ what?

Unknown: speak your mid

Unknown: you gonna slap me with using words, better have something to say

Unknown: you are nothing, but what you make of yourself

Unknown: what are you gonna do about it

Unknown: huh

Unknown: say it dammit

Mew-Z: You don't understand my side of the story.  THough I know your words are much to me and wise to my ears, I can't help but sometimes feel like you go blank to me. I am in the process of trying to shift and not find myself but create myself. I must admit it is somewhat childish to me when I look at myself and see that all I am is alone..

Unknown: good

Mew-Z: I hope you understand that from this chair .. ( though I could tell it to your face)

Unknown: what the fuck are you gonna do to change this

Mew-Z: you come off as blank yourself.

Mew-Z: Only talking about things from the source of tezt

Unknown: cause i am blank

Mew-Z: text

Mew-Z: instead of using your own damn voice to speak what comes to your mind

Unknown: you want something from me, you want something from life

Unknown: then fucking take ot

Mew-Z: Because you yourself hate talking about this.. you despise it ..

Unknown: dont just sit down and take the hand you have been delt

Unknown: i had that shit m y entire life

Mew-Z: So have I

Unknown: i am not taking this myself and neither shall you

Mew-Z: Being the rope in tug of war.

Mew-Z: But all my life I have felt that there is nothing for myself becuase I am just here.. nothing to look forward to and nothing to shoot for becuase I have always been shut down... always been told things that memory fails to remember but emotions do.

Unknown: thats the point

Unknown: your not a man

Unknown: but you need to grow a set of balls

Unknown: so suck it up, and do what you need to

Mew-Z: I wish people would just be good but for some fucked up reason I keep seeing people be nothing but pieces of filth.. I see it in everyone family or not

Unknown: i like balls

Unknown: and you need some

Unknown: make you laugh, good

Unknown: cause you can do what ever the fuck you want, and you certainly dont need the guideance of someone like me, when you can handle these problems with your own descretion

Unknown: going outside

Mew-Z: Unknown, as I sit here blaring music in hopes of drowning out the sounds of silence, I know that I can't get my pieces of information together. I have always needed told everything. That has been the treatment all my life. I was never 'tought' how to think for myself and when I do it was wrong!!! I have nothing on me as a person but the two bare hands that I was born with and I am not going to sit here and take your shit! Why must the lessons that I have to learn always end in anger and in tears..

Unknown: good

Unknown: on the part of responding

Unknown: but you need to take riskes and stand up for yourself

Unknown: like you just did

Unknown: tears or not, you cannot just take it

Mew-Z: Why must I vent to people who wont listen.. ( not to say oyou haven't) when there are others whom will and yet they are not avalilbe... you answer me this. In the who scheme of life and all that there is.... why oh why must there be somehting that is inside of us that Breaks us down so far the rabit whole and to never see the grand light of day!!! tell ME!

Mew-Z: Tell me why I have this going on in my life that I have to turn into a hard ass and become some one I feel I am not

Mew-Z: ! WHY!

Unknown: because its not goal, but the jorney that defines us

Unknown: thats why i try so hard, thats why i risk my like to pursue mathematical comuotations in the goverments

Unknown: thats why everyone of our friends look up tome

Mew-Z: so you can get better pau?

Mew-Z: pay?

Unknown: and that why you are gonna do what make you happy

Mew-Z: pay?

Unknown: and that why you are gonna do what make you happy

Mew-Z: But as far as that I can not. Sure I could step out and get out there. Money is a burden for alot

Unknown: brb 20 days

Mew-Z: 20 days?

Unknown is now Away.

Mew-Z: Allow me some more of an insight. I am not sure f this will even make sense but alas I must try my hardest to get you to undertand

Mew-Z: Maybe not.

Mew-Z: but this is something that I can't bare to ever think. THat I would ever do something like hit a friend.. on purpose. I keep seeing it replayed over and over again.

Unknown is now Online.

Mew-Z: I had to pace to get me to calm down because nothing more than that is ever going on at one

Mew-Z: once

Mew-Z: Do you think that we all have instinct

Unknown: well if thinking about what other poeple are beleive you are capable of then...

Mew-Z: that just naturally we can just take everyday by day knowing what we ahve to do

Unknown: break some noses

Mew-Z: That everyone knows how to take the information downloaded into our brains and able to translate that into what we know is true and ok.

Mew-Z: I would surely love to know how someone can just simple walk the ways of life and just simply figure all this out

Mew-Z: how they can just simply come up with an answer in thin air

Mew-Z: like its some sort of fucking magic trick.

Unknown: well, if you know enought to analize it then you know how to deal with it

Mew-Z: I tell you right now that I have no such ability

Mew-Z: I have no idea how you all just snap your fingers and no how to solve the next problem ahead.

Mew-Z: or maybe just simply ignore it.

Mew-Z: Nothing to me ever makes sense.

Mew-Z: I do not have this instinct that I have spoken of

Mew-Z: Everyone and I myself expects me to be something. thought the answers are different.

Mew-Z: when I look deep inside of myself it is a blank piece of apaper...

Unknown: good write what you want

Mew-Z: when I try to draw on it... there is nothing there.. the ink simply dissappears.

Mew-Z: I can't get it all to stick..

Mew-Z: it will never stick

Unknown: stop being negative

Unknown: it will kill you

Unknown: and destory everone you love

Mew-Z: There are hardly any that care.. I calll and rarely anyone has ever answered.

Mew-Z: and those who sometimes do.. have a certain bias that coulds there heads.

Mew-Z: clouds

Mew-Z: there

Mew-Z: heads

Mew-Z: No one in any given situation has given a "true" answer. There is no one out there whom has ever given the perfect solution. and even now I think how in the hell am I even able to conjur up words to put together the ideas that are swirling in my head as I go.... and as I do

Mew-Z: I wonder if you are even listening.. or if you just fill in the blank.. but again

Mew-Z: that could be my own clouded jdgement..

Mew-Z: because not only can the ink not stick.. but the eyes are some what broken

Mew-Z: I can not see properly the world that I want to see ..

Mew-Z: becuase I am so broken ... that I have yet to find myself.. I thought I would have figured it out by tnow.

Mew-Z: that everything would be omeing to gehter for what I want to do with myself.

Mew-Z: I keep comoing up blank..

Mew-Z: is there really anything out there that is my want for the rest of my life..... do you know what my heart truly desires...????

Mew-Z: What my heart has begged for all this time... as I sit here closing my eyes and praying for my heart to talk and tell me what I need to know. I sit here typing mywhat my head has to say and you know hwa tit says..

Unknown is now Away.

Mew-Z: at all?

Mew-Z: Do you know what my heart craves? True Love, Truth, Knowledge, Adversity, Travel and see what green and blue Earth God has given us, and most of all self reliaance... know that what I do is not a waste of precious time.. that everything I do is part of a master plan.

Mew-Z: Do you truly hear me?

Unknown is now Online.

Mew-Z: or are you just sitting there waiting for me to stop so you can interupt.. and here me cry one more time.

Unknown: i hear you, but i do not know what anyones heart desires

Mew-Z: of course you don't

Mew-Z: you only know what of your own

Mew-Z: that is a fault in all of us

Mew-Z: we only know what we as a self truly wants..

Mew-Z: not everyone else

Mew-Z: we have a beautiful but ugly thing called society..

Unknown: thats a drive in life that everyone keeps to themselves, and is what makes everything possible

Mew-Z: we can all obey this alignment called society and yet we can not hear the cries of everyone elses pains.. we can not help those whom wish to be given that rope to climb the moutain of life..

Mew-Z: I don't know what this all means becuase I keep rerouting back to this one point and I know somewhat it is not true.

Mew-Z: that I have no such ability to do I what I crave so much for.....

Mew-Z: because my head and my heart does are not compatible

Mew-Z: they never were for anyone..

Mew-Z: So I have to sit here and think on the surface and pray that it will all stick and become wht I need it to. becuase I have no other way. Its like a piece of the animalistic instinct is not there or maybe its broken or maybe its or just simply turned off..

Mew-Z: broken, missing, turned off..... thats all there is..

Mew-Z: I don't have the tools to fix it. I do not wish a doctor to tell me how to do it.. they want money just like I need it.. to move out and on. Friends do tend to stay away from it

Mew-Z: they can handle it for so long...

Unknown is now Away.

Mew-Z: then they must part for they are sick and tired of peopple.. which begs the question if that has become my circomstance.. that people are so sick of hearing me be so lost. I don't have the tools they are foreign. I am slow to learn and slow to certain ideas.. patience is a virtue.. and many lack it so.

Mew-Z: for that I will promise you that for what ever virus or reason my head has given me this foreign idea...... I oh you... a slap to the face.............

Mew-Z: I am unsure why.. maybe you have indeed ticked me off for some unknown reason and idea..

Mew-Z: I have merely fallen into my own trap of my own pain and dismay but yet there are times it teases me and tells me that I owe you that...

Mew-Z: I owe you a kiss with my fist or palm. but my heart craves ever so ....... no..........

Mew-Z: Two intertwining ideas alternating in my arms wanting to give you a hit of the century.. but yet my inner child that knows nothing but innocence simply grabs me and says no to just take it.. cause there is nothing more..

Mew-Z: nothing more painful than to physically abuse someone whom is trying to help you and feed you the ideas that are needed to fight in this unfair war called life.

Unknown is now Online.

Mew-Z: I dont understand this battle that I have to face. call me spoiled call me weak .. but I can not hear my self anymore but the cries i wept at night to sleep

Unknown: okay thats too much for me too read

Mew-Z: I feared you would say that............

Unknown: im making dinner

Mew-Z: that I have gone on this tangent. and yet its too much

Unknown: some other time, too much infor right now

Mew-Z: so i spilled for no reason....

Mew-Z: you weren't really listeing and my tears were for nothing

Mew-Z: because as usual I was screaming and no once can hear a thing

Unknown: did ypu ever consider that you were screaming too much

Mew-Z: no...

Mew-Z: because my screams.. are normally in my own head

Mew-Z: that leak out into everyday life..

Mew-Z: I'm sorry

Mew-Z: For all of this..

Unknown is now Away.

Mew-Z: plus if I am not mistaken .. once you close this off... it all goes away right?

Mew-Z: there.. sent it to you facebook... just incase you don't want to read it

Mew-Z: sorry skype.. you never had a facebook.. bleh

Take it as you will,

An attempt at poetry...

Ah we meet again...


So I just posted another piece on Figment and I am very satisfied with this one even though it does feel a bit incomplete. So here is A Storm in Healing..

      Oh, thunderous clouds from hell you rise, a symbol... a sign... of the greatest demise.

You do more than scare the weak. You fill my soul with a roaring shriek.

You do more than light the skies. You shake the ground and hear the cries.

Warning of danger you cast and emit. There’s something here I must admit.

For fear is what they hear and you see I question why

Must they be timid and shy, while I stand here and embrace this sky.

For those growls and flashes most run and hide

I run to the fields to see the great outside.

I feel your power, that great embrace.

I hold and respect that great true race.

Some have died from your titanic breath.

I spread my arms and fear no death.

And after this far long chase

I feel your tears upon my face.

For you are sad oh great demise

Because I am the only one of your only allies. 

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Why Must Christmas...

Make me so sad...

I have only recently noticed the sadness that over comes me at this holiday time. I used to be so excited about the holidays to come but I keep finding myself coming back to tears. I am so stressed. I was never that  good at gift giving. I just winged it. I am unsure what triggers it so much. I listen to christmas music and I get this sense of bitter sweet. I don't know what to do at this point in regards what has happened thus far. The stress of me failing school surely does not help.

I guess I am sick of commercialism. I am so sick of people making this all about gifts. Call me selfish, but black friday should be spent on yourself. I don't understand spending so much money on other people. This is not me being mean. This is me using logic. I just find more logic in buying products for people through out the year rather than one night. Black Friday is like a like getting raped by a thief in a dark alley. I try to avoid it. Though I do admit that I spent 40 dollars in movies for myself. But that is not my point.

My point of all this is that I miss christmas for its core values. The love and family. I keep seeing people getting themselves hurt from and being stupid all over material things. I hate christmas for this.

It is mostly sad on a personal level due to the parents divorce The pain I endured from just normal parenting stress. Plus the recent events causes me to become depressed this holiday season. Not much I can do on that though. Still working on it.


I hope you all have a good holiday this year. :) No matter what you celebrate!






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When to Cry for Help...

Among Other Things...

As I grow ever so quickly to the end of the semester I fear that I will have to take the same classes again that I have already once taken. All my assignments for the exception of homework, has come up either an F or a D. I fear for my grade and my future as the ability to progress in my education slowly falls apart. I have no idea what happened this semester but I may have to take the same exact classes again. I look back on these days and think of how I was going to make myself so proud. So strong and able to fight off the demon known as college that I would over come. I have to start asking about my grades and myself. It's ironic. I get most of my games taken away and then my grades drop. Normally distractions suggest poorer grades. Course my distractions have taken on a different form. My form of stress has been suggested otherwise.

I have this stubborn nature. I don't want help at all. Knowing when you should call for help is very important in development for yourself. I have all my classes in a state of failure. I have finally hit rock bottom. Why did I not get help sooner. I was so confident starting out. But alas, I find myself fallen to the bottom put into pain and agony due to my own issues. Fallen from everything.

I have to get back on the road. I have no idea how to get back on track now. With only two weeks left of school I don't believe that there will be a way to get my grades back up. I pray for everyone to due the best, but I also pray that they also know when to say help. I ask if you believe in it to pray for me to know the difference and to say help when I need to. The people I do get help from don't tend to help so... I guess take that as you will.

I couldn't tell you when to ask for help. I tend to wait till I am in desperado. I have to learn this quick. Otherwise, I will find myself here again with no latter out. If I can't succeed in school, I have no chance in hell anywhere else.

Thanksgiving is Halloween...

For Turkeys...

I was unable to get internet on Thanksgiving so here was a quick type up I did during that time..

Thanksgiving Blogpost.

It is the unfortunate event that although I have enjoyed my Thanksgiving dinner with my mother and friend Justin, that I do not have internet connection at this time. My mother does not have wifi. I am almost broke by this. But never fear, Supernatural is here to keep me company. Well yes I have Justin but with no chance of being able to update my blog and chat on facebook then I guess all I can say is …. Withdrawal!!

Anyway I joke and kid. This Thanksgiving this year has been very joyful. Things were quite bright and upbeat today. Most Thanksgivings are normally very stressing due to constant need of schedule. For some reason mom has already made this initiative to make me come over to on every even year for the holidays. I wish I could just choose those days. Choose when do to the things that I want to do even if there are consequences. Maybe that’s why God gave us choice, even if sin is attached. He wanted us to choose whether or not to be in his light. That there is such a thing as consequences and the other side. What better way to teach of the dire evil than to give them the choice.

So sorry for being dark, especially for a day that we should all be thankful for things. 

I stopped there due to distractions. Of course ya know... ADHD and all.. XD

Let's pick up here shall we?

I was going on a weird moment there. So I shall not go there.. The rest of the night into friday was interesting. The feast was good and the company was grand, even if he kept falling asleep on the couch. That night after visiting my grandmothers I went with some friends to hang out for black friday. I bought mostly for myself. I got hour movies and a Lady Gaga CD. There isn't much to say on black friday other than the fact I partially hate america for it. It lands on a day after we are to be thankful for the things we have and get mulled late that night for the one thing that someone else doesn't. I have no idea how to feel on this but I will just go with that.

The holidays are bitter sweet. I have my little tree up with blue and silver (might add red and gold) and I still have this .. anquish? I have no idea. The reason I feel this way is confusing. With the issues that I have been getting here at the house lately, it has created a big swirl of emotions and heart ache. Even prior to the recent issues I still found Christmas and the holidays to be a pain. People spend money. People don't know how to spend money correctly.... SOOOO much debt. 



But yeah back on Thanksgiving...

I will simply end on this. 

I am thankful for the following:
1) I am thankful for those whom have my back whether I realize it or not. 
2) I am thankful to live in a place where I have a roof over my head and food on the table
3) I am thankful for a medium that allows me to connect with people all around the world... to people I don't even know.
4) I am thankful I am alive
5) I am thankful for the family that I have whether I am related or not either way. 
6) I am thankful for the fandoms I am a part of from anime to Sherlock to video games.. etc. 
7) I am thankful for the prayers and to whom they go to. 
8) I am thankful that I even have a job even if it doesn't pay much right now
9) I am thankful for the education that I am receiving right now.. even if it's at a community campus
and 10) I am thankful for me and who I am as a person and that I know deep down inside I will try my hardest to be the best person that I can be. That is all I and any one can ever ask for. 



(technically 11) Thank you for reading these posts if you have. It brings me joy that someone wants to listen. May this coming holiday and new year bring great joy to you all..


Happy Thanksgiving!
Peace!
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This House is Mine...

Lets Work as a Team to Get it Done....

I had told myself a long time ago that I wouldn't post anything here on a very personal level. The subjects discussed were to be very basic and simple. However, do to certain circumstances I must voice my thoughts on certain events that have occurred in our house hold. This is just a rant and may get deleted at a later time.

If there is anything that I have learned over the past month it is simply that my belief of how things should be done are far more different then his viewpoints. The way we perceive information is very different. Allow me a chance to share the plan that I had made in a household.

If you are having a hard time with organizing chores among people here are some things to understand.
This system can be used for roommates and adults... or so I thought.

1) Chores/work is a team effort in the end 

2) There are two types of Chores (inside the house) Universal Chores and Self Chores. Self Chores are chores that are to be done because you made a mess (examples: your own room.. your dishes... tracking dirt or mudd in.. taking care of your own pet (unless a shared pet then

 it belongs in the Universal Chore List) etc) Universal are Chores that everyone is responsible of due to shared space.. Not one Chore is more important than the other. (Vacuuming, Dusting etc)

       2a) Universal Chores are to be shared.... In every way..

       2b) Self Chores are not to be done by some one else.. unless the other party wants to help out in any       way. They should not be forced..

3) An agreed system if any kind can be created so long as the parties are fair and equal among work.

4) and lastly.. Chores can be traited if agreed.. any rule can be broken as long as both/all parties agree to it... 

This system was created after my father created a list of things to do around the house. I have no issue with work. There isn't much being asked and maybe I should just suck it up and just do it what ever. I am so sorry that this does not seem to be the point. This is the main point of the whole thing. 

My father has asked me to do certain chores at certain times. For example, my dad has asked me to sweep twice a week. I normally only get around to it once a week. This does not seem like such a big deal. I normally get around to it once a week like most other chores (though vacuuming seems to be done 3 days a week). I pay rent (150 a month), pick up after myself and have done the chores that he has asked (though they don't get done the amount of times that he has asked it does indeed get done every week). 

However, despite this my father believes that sense I have not done this to a matter that is humane... has taken my computer. The only thing I am able to use is my phone and laptop. I am 24 years old. This is ridiculous. He can not take my computer but he has.


I do not understand if this is how parents are all the time. Is this normal behavior for adults and the such? I thought I was an adult and that as long as everything is in order than everything would be ok.



This does not teach me anything... It shuts me down as an adult. It teaches me I own nothing to my name. I am paying for nothing (sense it makes no different if I pay rent or not) and that I have no self worth. I feel pathetic, shot down and the such. I am moving out soon. I must find a place in the world. Even if it means if I am on my own. 

Alone. 


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Dealing with Death...

On top of everything else...

This is going to be quite difficult to describe as I have never really had anyone pass on sense GG (my great grandma). No one ever really ever knows how to describe the things in life let alone death. This is a subject that doesn't appear very often for me at least. It happens all the time else where and although I have never really had to worry about directly, I still feel that sense of sadness and dreariness when it is mentioned.

The thing about going to these calling hours is that he is my grandpa's brother. I never really knew the man. I believe I have met him once at my graduation. The thought of death is definitely something that the mind has such a hard time defining. What does it mean for us? I can still remember the very scene of that man, Nick.

I walked into the funeral home. At first I wasn't sure if I was in the right building. I felt so lost and unsure of myself. I tried texting dad but couldn't get a reply. Finally I just walked up to the door and an older man welcomed me and asked whom I was to see. Saying my last name, the man directed me to the room on the left. I signed in and stood in line. I saw my dad and his girlfriend in line. I thought about jumping line but went against it. I was wearing the most non appropriate clothing I could. A red Nintendo (c) jacket and blue jeans was not what you call calling hours attire. My grandfather caught site of me and lead me to the beginning of the line where my father and his girlfriend was.

I finally got the chance to see his body. It was eerie. The last time I had seen a body at a funeral was when I was almost twelve years old. My great grandma that I mentioned before. Looking at the body of my great uncle Nick sent into a stand still. When i would look at him I swear I would see him move. But of course I knew that my mind was playing tricks. I wanted so bad for him too move but he could not. The lips were almost as if they were pressed against his face. Even though his mouth showed that he was possibly sad, I knew other wise. The rest of his face, though I couldn't identify the exact detail how I knew, had shown that he was indeed happy. 

There is nothing I can really say about death. It's the end. There is nothing in that body. Religion aside, it is still a scary thing. I have no idea what it will be like either way and hope to not go down in vain in any way. Many of us wonder what life becomes and we all know death is the end of it all. I never really knew the guy but I know he is happy. His smiled showed it.

I think about death and get this dark feeling of wonder and fear. I don't know if I will be in heaven, hell or maybe neither. I have no idea if there is anything to look forward to afterwards. Maybe God is out there looking down on me crying because he knows that I am not destined to be with him and I will be sent to damnation. Or maybe he is trying to kick my ass so I can get going and get moving so that I can finally be with him. Either way, I can't live life sadly. I asked one of his sisters (one of my great aunts) if he accomplished all of his life goals. Her answer had calmed my heart and I walked out sad (due to talking to her about other things personal) but rejuvenated. I was blank but still content in a sense. My great aunt looked at me and smiled and replied to me. Though it sounded like it was fake that could be because of other factors (confusion in our household as well as family), I still held on to it. She looked at me, smiled and replied...

"Yes. Yes he did." 


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