When to Cry for Help...

Among Other Things...

As I grow ever so quickly to the end of the semester I fear that I will have to take the same classes again that I have already once taken. All my assignments for the exception of homework, has come up either an F or a D. I fear for my grade and my future as the ability to progress in my education slowly falls apart. I have no idea what happened this semester but I may have to take the same exact classes again. I look back on these days and think of how I was going to make myself so proud. So strong and able to fight off the demon known as college that I would over come. I have to start asking about my grades and myself. It's ironic. I get most of my games taken away and then my grades drop. Normally distractions suggest poorer grades. Course my distractions have taken on a different form. My form of stress has been suggested otherwise.

I have this stubborn nature. I don't want help at all. Knowing when you should call for help is very important in development for yourself. I have all my classes in a state of failure. I have finally hit rock bottom. Why did I not get help sooner. I was so confident starting out. But alas, I find myself fallen to the bottom put into pain and agony due to my own issues. Fallen from everything.

I have to get back on the road. I have no idea how to get back on track now. With only two weeks left of school I don't believe that there will be a way to get my grades back up. I pray for everyone to due the best, but I also pray that they also know when to say help. I ask if you believe in it to pray for me to know the difference and to say help when I need to. The people I do get help from don't tend to help so... I guess take that as you will.

I couldn't tell you when to ask for help. I tend to wait till I am in desperado. I have to learn this quick. Otherwise, I will find myself here again with no latter out. If I can't succeed in school, I have no chance in hell anywhere else.

Thanksgiving is Halloween...

For Turkeys...

I was unable to get internet on Thanksgiving so here was a quick type up I did during that time..

Thanksgiving Blogpost.

It is the unfortunate event that although I have enjoyed my Thanksgiving dinner with my mother and friend Justin, that I do not have internet connection at this time. My mother does not have wifi. I am almost broke by this. But never fear, Supernatural is here to keep me company. Well yes I have Justin but with no chance of being able to update my blog and chat on facebook then I guess all I can say is …. Withdrawal!!

Anyway I joke and kid. This Thanksgiving this year has been very joyful. Things were quite bright and upbeat today. Most Thanksgivings are normally very stressing due to constant need of schedule. For some reason mom has already made this initiative to make me come over to on every even year for the holidays. I wish I could just choose those days. Choose when do to the things that I want to do even if there are consequences. Maybe that’s why God gave us choice, even if sin is attached. He wanted us to choose whether or not to be in his light. That there is such a thing as consequences and the other side. What better way to teach of the dire evil than to give them the choice.

So sorry for being dark, especially for a day that we should all be thankful for things. 

I stopped there due to distractions. Of course ya know... ADHD and all.. XD

Let's pick up here shall we?

I was going on a weird moment there. So I shall not go there.. The rest of the night into friday was interesting. The feast was good and the company was grand, even if he kept falling asleep on the couch. That night after visiting my grandmothers I went with some friends to hang out for black friday. I bought mostly for myself. I got hour movies and a Lady Gaga CD. There isn't much to say on black friday other than the fact I partially hate america for it. It lands on a day after we are to be thankful for the things we have and get mulled late that night for the one thing that someone else doesn't. I have no idea how to feel on this but I will just go with that.

The holidays are bitter sweet. I have my little tree up with blue and silver (might add red and gold) and I still have this .. anquish? I have no idea. The reason I feel this way is confusing. With the issues that I have been getting here at the house lately, it has created a big swirl of emotions and heart ache. Even prior to the recent issues I still found Christmas and the holidays to be a pain. People spend money. People don't know how to spend money correctly.... SOOOO much debt. 



But yeah back on Thanksgiving...

I will simply end on this. 

I am thankful for the following:
1) I am thankful for those whom have my back whether I realize it or not. 
2) I am thankful to live in a place where I have a roof over my head and food on the table
3) I am thankful for a medium that allows me to connect with people all around the world... to people I don't even know.
4) I am thankful I am alive
5) I am thankful for the family that I have whether I am related or not either way. 
6) I am thankful for the fandoms I am a part of from anime to Sherlock to video games.. etc. 
7) I am thankful for the prayers and to whom they go to. 
8) I am thankful that I even have a job even if it doesn't pay much right now
9) I am thankful for the education that I am receiving right now.. even if it's at a community campus
and 10) I am thankful for me and who I am as a person and that I know deep down inside I will try my hardest to be the best person that I can be. That is all I and any one can ever ask for. 



(technically 11) Thank you for reading these posts if you have. It brings me joy that someone wants to listen. May this coming holiday and new year bring great joy to you all..


Happy Thanksgiving!
Peace!
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This House is Mine...

Lets Work as a Team to Get it Done....

I had told myself a long time ago that I wouldn't post anything here on a very personal level. The subjects discussed were to be very basic and simple. However, do to certain circumstances I must voice my thoughts on certain events that have occurred in our house hold. This is just a rant and may get deleted at a later time.

If there is anything that I have learned over the past month it is simply that my belief of how things should be done are far more different then his viewpoints. The way we perceive information is very different. Allow me a chance to share the plan that I had made in a household.

If you are having a hard time with organizing chores among people here are some things to understand.
This system can be used for roommates and adults... or so I thought.

1) Chores/work is a team effort in the end 

2) There are two types of Chores (inside the house) Universal Chores and Self Chores. Self Chores are chores that are to be done because you made a mess (examples: your own room.. your dishes... tracking dirt or mudd in.. taking care of your own pet (unless a shared pet then

 it belongs in the Universal Chore List) etc) Universal are Chores that everyone is responsible of due to shared space.. Not one Chore is more important than the other. (Vacuuming, Dusting etc)

       2a) Universal Chores are to be shared.... In every way..

       2b) Self Chores are not to be done by some one else.. unless the other party wants to help out in any       way. They should not be forced..

3) An agreed system if any kind can be created so long as the parties are fair and equal among work.

4) and lastly.. Chores can be traited if agreed.. any rule can be broken as long as both/all parties agree to it... 

This system was created after my father created a list of things to do around the house. I have no issue with work. There isn't much being asked and maybe I should just suck it up and just do it what ever. I am so sorry that this does not seem to be the point. This is the main point of the whole thing. 

My father has asked me to do certain chores at certain times. For example, my dad has asked me to sweep twice a week. I normally only get around to it once a week. This does not seem like such a big deal. I normally get around to it once a week like most other chores (though vacuuming seems to be done 3 days a week). I pay rent (150 a month), pick up after myself and have done the chores that he has asked (though they don't get done the amount of times that he has asked it does indeed get done every week). 

However, despite this my father believes that sense I have not done this to a matter that is humane... has taken my computer. The only thing I am able to use is my phone and laptop. I am 24 years old. This is ridiculous. He can not take my computer but he has.


I do not understand if this is how parents are all the time. Is this normal behavior for adults and the such? I thought I was an adult and that as long as everything is in order than everything would be ok.



This does not teach me anything... It shuts me down as an adult. It teaches me I own nothing to my name. I am paying for nothing (sense it makes no different if I pay rent or not) and that I have no self worth. I feel pathetic, shot down and the such. I am moving out soon. I must find a place in the world. Even if it means if I am on my own. 

Alone. 


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Dealing with Death...

On top of everything else...

This is going to be quite difficult to describe as I have never really had anyone pass on sense GG (my great grandma). No one ever really ever knows how to describe the things in life let alone death. This is a subject that doesn't appear very often for me at least. It happens all the time else where and although I have never really had to worry about directly, I still feel that sense of sadness and dreariness when it is mentioned.

The thing about going to these calling hours is that he is my grandpa's brother. I never really knew the man. I believe I have met him once at my graduation. The thought of death is definitely something that the mind has such a hard time defining. What does it mean for us? I can still remember the very scene of that man, Nick.

I walked into the funeral home. At first I wasn't sure if I was in the right building. I felt so lost and unsure of myself. I tried texting dad but couldn't get a reply. Finally I just walked up to the door and an older man welcomed me and asked whom I was to see. Saying my last name, the man directed me to the room on the left. I signed in and stood in line. I saw my dad and his girlfriend in line. I thought about jumping line but went against it. I was wearing the most non appropriate clothing I could. A red Nintendo (c) jacket and blue jeans was not what you call calling hours attire. My grandfather caught site of me and lead me to the beginning of the line where my father and his girlfriend was.

I finally got the chance to see his body. It was eerie. The last time I had seen a body at a funeral was when I was almost twelve years old. My great grandma that I mentioned before. Looking at the body of my great uncle Nick sent into a stand still. When i would look at him I swear I would see him move. But of course I knew that my mind was playing tricks. I wanted so bad for him too move but he could not. The lips were almost as if they were pressed against his face. Even though his mouth showed that he was possibly sad, I knew other wise. The rest of his face, though I couldn't identify the exact detail how I knew, had shown that he was indeed happy. 

There is nothing I can really say about death. It's the end. There is nothing in that body. Religion aside, it is still a scary thing. I have no idea what it will be like either way and hope to not go down in vain in any way. Many of us wonder what life becomes and we all know death is the end of it all. I never really knew the guy but I know he is happy. His smiled showed it.

I think about death and get this dark feeling of wonder and fear. I don't know if I will be in heaven, hell or maybe neither. I have no idea if there is anything to look forward to afterwards. Maybe God is out there looking down on me crying because he knows that I am not destined to be with him and I will be sent to damnation. Or maybe he is trying to kick my ass so I can get going and get moving so that I can finally be with him. Either way, I can't live life sadly. I asked one of his sisters (one of my great aunts) if he accomplished all of his life goals. Her answer had calmed my heart and I walked out sad (due to talking to her about other things personal) but rejuvenated. I was blank but still content in a sense. My great aunt looked at me and smiled and replied to me. Though it sounded like it was fake that could be because of other factors (confusion in our household as well as family), I still held on to it. She looked at me, smiled and replied...

"Yes. Yes he did." 


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Electoral Votes...

VS Peoples Vote...

I don't understand a whole lot about the voting process. Electoral Votes is something I don't understand in any sense of the term. Just a short blurb.

First off I voted Obama...

Second, I think the Electoral Vote idea needs to go away.. (I am well aware that Romney won the Popularity Vote of the People) From how my friend on Facebook explained it.

"each state is broken down into a certain number of districts, with each district having an electoral college member (ECM). normally, if the majority of a district's votes go for a candidate, then that district's ECM will vote for that candidate. however, they are still people, and can change their district's vote if they feel they need to."

Third, If this system was the system this past election I would hate America right now. Just my thought.. take that as you will.


I do not wish to create hate.. I just want to question if this is ok. Yes this worked for our behalf this time.. but imagine if it was vise versa...  You all would be so pissed.

Thanks for a great battle.. Everyone.. including Romney supporters gets a free ice cream cone all around! Lets Pray for the Next 4 years.. either way!

You Are Not Stupid...

You Just Need a Different Input...

As I have been feeling doubt in myself, I have noticed much the same in others. I don't like seeing people call themselves stupid or anything of the sort. I know we could get into me gaining my own self confidence but that can be for another day.

As I was sitting in my math class, a student (whom was much older than I) finally admitted to the teacher that she didn't understand a single thing up into what we were doing as of now. She immediately got red and I can tell she was stressed. The teacher told her that he was glad that she finally admitted this instead of holding it all in. She replied with, "Why cause I am stupid?"

My mind started to flood with an idea; a sudden concept that I could have said to make her feel better. I know the instructor said otherwise and was wise when he spoke to cheer her up, but I still got this explanation my head.

I have this same issue. I keep thinking that I am stupid and even pathetic. I pictured a scenario of me sitting on a desk with a calculator in my hand. I would be facing her in the front corner of the set of desks.

"We did a problem on the calculator that I know most people got wrong while some got it right... right?"

She would nod.

"That problem was 25 over 2 times the quantity .02. Now I got the same exact answer myself that was wrong. Does this process make the calculator stupid?"

I can't picture her exact response but I would continue either way.

"No of course not. You take a problem that consists of a fraction with a decimal in the denominator that is multiplied by something. For example, 25 over 2 times the quantity of .02. You might get the answer of .25. That is most definitely wrong. But lets try this problem differently. Lets give it a different input. Type in 2 times .02. That gives you .04. Now take 25 divided by .04 and you will find a completely different answer... 625. *Shows Calculator with result* This does not show that the computer is merely stupid. This simply shows that the computer required a different input in order to process the information correctly."

I then allowed a small pause for thought.

"We are all calculators. We calculate whether you realize it or not. Do not ever have anyone tell you that you are stupid. Not even yourself. You just simply need a different input in order for you to understand the information given. If you can't process information no matter the input and technique and you gave up trying and you didn't tell anyone you were having said issue; then I would then argue that one or something is stupid. You are not stupid. You just need someone else to explain it."

I just wish that I told her right then and there. I felt kind of proud of myself to think in that manner.

Moral of the story, You Are Not Stupid! Remember that Future Me... You Are Not Stupid. You Just Need A Different Input.


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