So my semester has become a total failure. In so many ways, this semester not only academically but emotionally and mentally has put a strain on myself. Not only have I failed (pretty much) this semester, but I have now had two of my windows broken in my van. I couldn't come to any conclusion to what I possibly have done to deserve all of this. I had a IM chat with a friend of mine.. I spilled so much... no spelling corrections will be made.. just straight from the chat box.. the name is changed for protective purposes..
Mew-Z: hi there... :p
Unknown is now Online.
Unknown: hello
Mew-Z: how was your day?
Unknown: busy
Mew-Z: I feel ya.. I doubt my day is busier than yours but time is
a crunchin..
Unknown is now Away.
Unknown is now Online.
Unknown: i was beeing sarcastic,i am having a star trek voyager
marathon
Mew-Z: ah.. well either case.. at least its the weekend
Unknown: yes
Mew-Z: stil.. I don't feel safe at the house.. no idea what to do
really..
Unknown is now Away.
Unknown is now Online.
Unknown: self fulling prophecy
Mew-Z: self fullfilling prophecy?
Unknown: stop playing dumb
Unknown: you know exaclty what im going to say
Mew-Z: O.o no I don't.. I thought of this though when you said
that..
Mew-Z: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cr-SqRWImmI
Unknown: okay not donig that
Mew-Z: :P theme of my life
Unknown: you need to help yourself
Unknown: you not anyone else is in controlof your life
Unknown: change as you want to, not as anyones else says
Mew-Z: that undefined metamorphisis from the thing on a leash to
the one leading the leashed...........
Unknown: stop the analysis on the topic
Unknown: start your life
Mew-Z: ........
Unknown: this is not some srt of therapy, and im not a
docter
Mew-Z: Thats what I thought I was doing..
Mew-Z: of course not
Unknown: i cannot handle your every concern, but you know
how
Mew-Z: I know you cant...
Unknown: everytime you face a decicions, you go to our
friends for support
Unknown: you do not need that support
Unknown: you are a fully capable person
Unknown: you have the ability to have joy in your life
Unknown: you have the ability to make your way in life
Unknown: go ahead
Mew-Z: what?
Mew-Z: Am I supposed to say something..
Unknown: you wanted to
Unknown: now say it
Mew-Z: what can I possibly say at times that I have no words
... just black thoughts
Mew-Z: blank not black
Unknown: okay, one final thought for the night
Unknown: you are in a bad place
Unknown: with nowhere to run
Unknown: no hopes, no desires, and no direction
Unknown: are you gonna sit down and take it
Unknown: or are you gonna make ourself happy
Unknown: think too long about this, and you will have gained
the direction that you need
Unknown: im sorry i cant help you anymore with your
problems, cause you have already solved them yourself
Mew-Z: I know you cant
help me.. I keep going to people hoping for solutions.. hoping that a
plan could emit from them instead of me
Unknown: there you go
Unknown: you are free
Mew-Z: I already knew this from the get go..
Unknown: so whats stopping you from being happy
Unknown: you dont have a computer for gaiming
Unknown: you car is being trashed
Unknown: and you are failing in your studies
Unknown: thats pisses you off? doenst it
Mew-Z: yes... of course.. well more or less just keeps
pushing me down.
Unknown: god dammit
Unknown: so you are having a tought time at school
Unknown: study, and do well
Unknown: stop being pushed down, and show the people around
you that you are not to be put down
Unknown: if i had done the same, i would not even be
employed
Unknown: wake up, and do something,
Unknown: you dont need someone for support, especially when
you have sole ability to change it
Unknown: you need proff
Unknown: here it is
Unknown:
http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view;_ylt=A0PDoV5G7cNQ8HYAtXCJzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTBlMTQ4cGxyBHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDaW1n?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3F_adv_prop%3Dimage%26va%3Dbasket%2Bfull%2Bof%2Bkittens%26fr%3Dyfp-t-701%26tab%3Dorganic%26ri%3D33&w=420&h=280&imgurl=www.mythreecats.com%2Fimages%2Fkittens_in_a_basket.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fbogeysblogsphere.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F10%2F&size=28.3+KB&name=cat+egory+group+cats+grand+prize+%3Cb%3Ekittens+%3C%2Fb%3Ein+a+%3Cb%3Ebasket+%3C%2Fb%3Esubmitted+by+...&p=basket+full+of+kittens&oid=b58454991d5a7e779bf24f3468cdc75f&fr2=&fr=yfp-t-701&tt=cat%2Begory%2Bgroup%2Bcats%2Bgrand%2Bprize%2B%253Cb%253Ekittens%2B%253C%252Fb%253Ein%2Ba%2B%253Cb%253Ebasket%2B%253C%252Fb%253Esubmitted%2Bby%2B...&b=0&ni=264&no=33&ts=&tab=organic&sigr=11en84hm2&sigb=13lnth9qe&sigi=11i4jl13a&.crumb=rMlnG7F6kvj
Unknown: how does that make yuo feel?
Mew-Z: ....... sadly.... just pleasing to the eyes..
Mew-Z: I have felt like I am shut off at the time..
Unknown: then shuit down
Unknown: take it
Unknown: be the under achiever
Mew-Z: a reverse psychology
Mew-Z: its a bitch
Unknown: stop analysing the situation
Unknown: are you gonna take the shit from a friend
Unknown: or are you gonna do something about it
Mew-Z: I am not sure why but I just want to slap
you.....................
Mew-Z: but that could be out of my own frustration and
knowing that I was wrong
Unknown: the slap me
Mew-Z: I can't your in DC
Unknown: say it
Unknown: stop toying with me
Mew-Z: say ........ what?
Unknown: speak your mid
Unknown: you gonna slap me with using words, better have
something to say
Unknown: you are nothing, but what you make of yourself
Unknown: what are you gonna do about it
Unknown: huh
Unknown: say it dammit
Mew-Z: You don't understand my side of the story. THough I know your words are much to me and
wise to my ears, I can't help but sometimes feel like you go blank to me. I am
in the process of trying to shift and not find myself but create myself. I must
admit it is somewhat childish to me when I look at myself and see that all I am
is alone..
Unknown: good
Mew-Z: I hope you understand that from this chair .. (
though I could tell it to your face)
Unknown: what the fuck are you gonna do to change this
Mew-Z: you come off as blank yourself.
Mew-Z: Only talking about things from the source of tezt
Unknown: cause i am blank
Mew-Z: text
Mew-Z: instead of using your own damn voice to speak what
comes to your mind
Unknown: you want something from me, you want something from
life
Unknown: then fucking take ot
Mew-Z: Because you yourself hate talking about this.. you
despise it ..
Unknown: dont just sit down and take the hand you have been
delt
Unknown: i had that shit m y entire life
Mew-Z: So have I
Unknown: i am not taking this myself and neither shall you
Mew-Z: Being the rope in tug of war.
Mew-Z: But all my life I have felt that there is nothing for
myself becuase I am just here.. nothing to look forward to and nothing to shoot
for becuase I have always been shut down... always been told things that memory
fails to remember but emotions do.
Unknown: thats the point
Unknown: your not a man
Unknown: but you need to grow a set of balls
Unknown: so suck it up, and do what you need to
Mew-Z: I wish people would just be good but for some fucked
up reason I keep seeing people be nothing but pieces of filth.. I see it in
everyone family or not
Unknown: i like balls
Unknown: and you need some
Unknown: make you laugh, good
Unknown: cause you can do what ever the fuck you want, and
you certainly dont need the guideance of someone like me, when you can handle
these problems with your own descretion
Unknown: going outside
Mew-Z: Unknown, as I sit here blaring music in hopes of
drowning out the sounds of silence, I know that I can't get my pieces of
information together. I have always needed told everything. That has been the
treatment all my life. I was never 'tought' how to think for myself and when I
do it was wrong!!! I have nothing on me as a person but the two bare hands that
I was born with and I am not going to sit here and take your shit! Why must the
lessons that I have to learn always end in anger and in tears..
Unknown: good
Unknown: on the part of responding
Unknown: but you need to take riskes and stand up for
yourself
Unknown: like you just did
Unknown: tears or not, you cannot just take it
Mew-Z: Why must I vent to people who wont listen.. ( not to
say oyou haven't) when there are others whom will and yet they are not
avalilbe... you answer me this. In the who scheme of life and all that there
is.... why oh why must there be somehting that is inside of us that Breaks us
down so far the rabit whole and to never see the grand light of day!!! tell ME!
Mew-Z: Tell me why I have this going on in my life that I
have to turn into a hard ass and become some one I feel I am not
Mew-Z: ! WHY!
Unknown: because its not goal, but the jorney that defines
us
Unknown: thats why i try so hard, thats why i risk my like
to pursue mathematical comuotations in the goverments
Unknown: thats why everyone of our friends look up tome
Mew-Z: so you can get better pau?
Mew-Z: pay?
Unknown: and that why you are gonna do what make you happy
Mew-Z: pay?
Unknown: and that why you are gonna do what make you happy
Mew-Z: But as far as that I can not. Sure I could step out
and get out there. Money is a burden for alot
Unknown: brb 20 days
Mew-Z: 20 days?
Unknown is now Away.
Mew-Z: Allow me some more of an insight. I am not sure f
this will even make sense but alas I must try my hardest to get you to
undertand
Mew-Z: Maybe not.
Mew-Z: but this is something that I can't bare to ever
think. THat I would ever do something like hit a friend.. on purpose. I keep
seeing it replayed over and over again.
Unknown is now Online.
Mew-Z: I had to pace to get me to calm down because nothing more
than that is ever going on at one
Mew-Z: once
Mew-Z: Do you think that we all have instinct
Unknown: well if thinking about what other poeple are
beleive you are capable of then...
Mew-Z: that just naturally we can just take everyday by day
knowing what we ahve to do
Unknown: break some noses
Mew-Z: That everyone knows how to take the information
downloaded into our brains and able to translate that into what we know is true
and ok.
Mew-Z: I would surely love to know how someone can just
simple walk the ways of life and just simply figure all this out
Mew-Z: how they can just simply come up with an answer in
thin air
Mew-Z: like its some sort of fucking magic trick.
Unknown: well, if you know enought to analize it then you
know how to deal with it
Mew-Z: I tell you right now that I have no such ability
Mew-Z: I have no idea how you all just snap your fingers and
no how to solve the next problem ahead.
Mew-Z: or maybe just simply ignore it.
Mew-Z: Nothing to me ever makes sense.
Mew-Z: I do not have this instinct that I have spoken of
Mew-Z: Everyone and I myself expects me to be something.
thought the answers are different.
Mew-Z: when I look deep inside of myself it is a blank piece
of apaper...
Unknown: good write what you want
Mew-Z: when I try to draw on it... there is nothing there..
the ink simply dissappears.
Mew-Z: I can't get it all to stick..
Mew-Z: it will never stick
Unknown: stop being negative
Unknown: it will kill you
Unknown: and destory everone you love
Mew-Z: There are hardly any that care.. I calll and rarely
anyone has ever answered.
Mew-Z: and those who sometimes do.. have a certain bias that
coulds there heads.
Mew-Z: clouds
Mew-Z: there
Mew-Z: heads
Mew-Z: No one in any given situation has given a "true"
answer. There is no one out there whom has ever given the perfect solution. and
even now I think how in the hell am I even able to conjur up words to put
together the ideas that are swirling in my head as I go.... and as I do
Mew-Z: I wonder if you are even listening.. or if you just
fill in the blank.. but again
Mew-Z: that could be my own clouded jdgement..
Mew-Z: because not only can the ink not stick.. but the eyes
are some what broken
Mew-Z: I can not see properly the world that I want to see
..
Mew-Z: becuase I am so broken ... that I have yet to find
myself.. I thought I would have figured it out by tnow.
Mew-Z: that everything would be omeing to gehter for what I
want to do with myself.
Mew-Z: I keep comoing up blank..
Mew-Z: is there really anything out there that is my want
for the rest of my life..... do you know what my heart truly desires...????
Mew-Z: What my heart has begged for all this time... as I
sit here closing my eyes and praying for my heart to talk and tell me what I
need to know. I sit here typing mywhat my head has to say and you know hwa tit
says..
Unknown is now Away.
Mew-Z: at all?
Mew-Z: Do you know what my heart craves? True Love, Truth,
Knowledge, Adversity, Travel and see what green and blue Earth God has given
us, and most of all self reliaance... know that what I do is not a waste of
precious time.. that everything I do is part of a master plan.
Mew-Z: Do you truly hear me?
Unknown is now Online.
Mew-Z: or are you just sitting there waiting for me to stop
so you can interupt.. and here me cry one more time.
Unknown: i hear you, but i do not know what anyones heart
desires
Mew-Z: of course you don't
Mew-Z: you only know what of your own
Mew-Z: that is a fault in all of us
Mew-Z: we only know what we as a self truly wants..
Mew-Z: not everyone else
Mew-Z: we have a beautiful but ugly thing called society..
Unknown: thats a drive in life that everyone keeps to
themselves, and is what makes everything possible
Mew-Z: we can all obey this alignment called society and yet
we can not hear the cries of everyone elses pains.. we can not help those whom
wish to be given that rope to climb the moutain of life..
Mew-Z: I don't know what this all means becuase I keep rerouting
back to this one point and I know somewhat it is not true.
Mew-Z: that I have no such ability to do I what I crave so
much for.....
Mew-Z: because my head and my heart does are not compatible
Mew-Z: they never were for anyone..
Mew-Z: So I have to sit here and think on the surface and
pray that it will all stick and become wht I need it to. becuase I have no
other way. Its like a piece of the animalistic instinct is not there or maybe
its broken or maybe its or just simply turned off..
Mew-Z: broken, missing, turned off..... thats all there is..
Mew-Z: I don't have the tools to fix it. I do not wish a
doctor to tell me how to do it.. they want money just like I need it.. to move
out and on. Friends do tend to stay away from it
Mew-Z: they can handle it for so long...
Unknown is now Away.
Mew-Z: then they must part for they are sick and tired of
peopple.. which begs the question if that has become my circomstance.. that
people are so sick of hearing me be so lost. I don't have the tools they are
foreign. I am slow to learn and slow to certain ideas.. patience is a virtue..
and many lack it so.
Mew-Z: for that I will promise you that for what ever virus
or reason my head has given me this foreign idea...... I oh you... a slap to
the face.............
Mew-Z: I am unsure why.. maybe you have indeed ticked me off
for some unknown reason and idea..
Mew-Z: I have merely fallen into my own trap of my own pain
and dismay but yet there are times it teases me and tells me that I owe you
that...
Mew-Z: I owe you a kiss with my fist or palm. but my heart
craves ever so ....... no..........
Mew-Z: Two intertwining ideas alternating in my arms wanting
to give you a hit of the century.. but yet my inner child that knows nothing
but innocence simply grabs me and says no to just take it.. cause there is
nothing more..
Mew-Z: nothing more painful than to physically abuse someone
whom is trying to help you and feed you the ideas that are needed to fight in
this unfair war called life.
Unknown is now Online.
Mew-Z: I dont understand this battle that I have to face.
call me spoiled call me weak .. but I can not hear my self anymore but the
cries i wept at night to sleep
Unknown: okay thats too much for me too read
Mew-Z: I feared you would say that............
Unknown: im making dinner
Mew-Z: that I have gone on this tangent. and yet its too
much
Unknown: some other time, too much infor right now
Mew-Z: so i spilled for no reason....
Mew-Z: you weren't really listeing and my tears were for
nothing
Mew-Z: because as usual I was screaming and no once can hear
a thing
Unknown: did ypu ever consider that you were screaming too
much
Mew-Z: no...
Mew-Z: because my screams.. are normally in my own head
Mew-Z: that leak out into everyday life..
Mew-Z: I'm sorry
Mew-Z: For all of this..
Unknown is now Away.
Mew-Z: plus if I am not mistaken .. once you close this
off... it all goes away right?
Mew-Z: there.. sent it to you facebook... just incase you
don't want to read it
Mew-Z: sorry skype.. you never had a facebook.. bleh
Take it as you will,
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