Dealing with Death...

On top of everything else...

This is going to be quite difficult to describe as I have never really had anyone pass on sense GG (my great grandma). No one ever really ever knows how to describe the things in life let alone death. This is a subject that doesn't appear very often for me at least. It happens all the time else where and although I have never really had to worry about directly, I still feel that sense of sadness and dreariness when it is mentioned.

The thing about going to these calling hours is that he is my grandpa's brother. I never really knew the man. I believe I have met him once at my graduation. The thought of death is definitely something that the mind has such a hard time defining. What does it mean for us? I can still remember the very scene of that man, Nick.

I walked into the funeral home. At first I wasn't sure if I was in the right building. I felt so lost and unsure of myself. I tried texting dad but couldn't get a reply. Finally I just walked up to the door and an older man welcomed me and asked whom I was to see. Saying my last name, the man directed me to the room on the left. I signed in and stood in line. I saw my dad and his girlfriend in line. I thought about jumping line but went against it. I was wearing the most non appropriate clothing I could. A red Nintendo (c) jacket and blue jeans was not what you call calling hours attire. My grandfather caught site of me and lead me to the beginning of the line where my father and his girlfriend was.

I finally got the chance to see his body. It was eerie. The last time I had seen a body at a funeral was when I was almost twelve years old. My great grandma that I mentioned before. Looking at the body of my great uncle Nick sent into a stand still. When i would look at him I swear I would see him move. But of course I knew that my mind was playing tricks. I wanted so bad for him too move but he could not. The lips were almost as if they were pressed against his face. Even though his mouth showed that he was possibly sad, I knew other wise. The rest of his face, though I couldn't identify the exact detail how I knew, had shown that he was indeed happy. 

There is nothing I can really say about death. It's the end. There is nothing in that body. Religion aside, it is still a scary thing. I have no idea what it will be like either way and hope to not go down in vain in any way. Many of us wonder what life becomes and we all know death is the end of it all. I never really knew the guy but I know he is happy. His smiled showed it.

I think about death and get this dark feeling of wonder and fear. I don't know if I will be in heaven, hell or maybe neither. I have no idea if there is anything to look forward to afterwards. Maybe God is out there looking down on me crying because he knows that I am not destined to be with him and I will be sent to damnation. Or maybe he is trying to kick my ass so I can get going and get moving so that I can finally be with him. Either way, I can't live life sadly. I asked one of his sisters (one of my great aunts) if he accomplished all of his life goals. Her answer had calmed my heart and I walked out sad (due to talking to her about other things personal) but rejuvenated. I was blank but still content in a sense. My great aunt looked at me and smiled and replied to me. Though it sounded like it was fake that could be because of other factors (confusion in our household as well as family), I still held on to it. She looked at me, smiled and replied...

"Yes. Yes he did." 


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